Taming My Mind by Victor Brissler

Author:Victor Brissler
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: thewordverve inc
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 8 - A Step Backward

In order to fully discuss my experience with bipolar disorder, I must share the suicidal ideations that went along with my disease. As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, I had a brush with suicide when I was fifty-two, but there was another—this one occurring only a year later, at age 53, and was much worse. Despite all my recent progress, I encountered a situation that was simply too much for me to handle—even with all the counseling and positive movements in my life. This event served as a harsh reminder that my bipolar disorder was a physical illness, same as ever. This happened during the period when my narcissistic veneer (More on this later) had worn off and I had not yet started dialectical behavior therapy.

After losing the pharmaceuticals job, I found a job as a project manager at another company, but as a contract employee not a full-time employee. I encountered a man at this company with whom I had to work closely, but he reminded me of my father . . . and he had a lot of influence in our department and with upper management. A potentially explosive combination.

I had to manage him on the project, along with others on the team, but this man thought the project was his and that I should not be the project manager, which made the situation difficult. Even though he was part of the hiring process and recognized logically that a project manager was necessary, once I started managing the project, he wanted me out of the way so he could run things. At least this was how I perceived it . . . as the saying goes, “Perception is everything.”

Eventually minor clashes with this man turned into a rather big blowup one day, which required intervention on the part of upper management to smooth things out. But even after that incident, this man and I continued to butt heads, no matter how hard I tried to navigate a better path. The company must have figured a few things out about this man and arranged for him to have his own counselor. I believe they were trying to help him have more constructive interpersonal relationships rather than having to force his own way all the time. He would talk in public about having to take his medications and would let us know when his next counseling appointment was to be held.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that this man was bipolar. One day angry, next day sad, next day happy: I recognized the symptoms like a slap in the face. In addition, everyone I worked with called him “bi” behind his back and wondered why the company still kept him on board. Of course, I could not talk about him behind his back either one way or another, though inside my stomach roiled.

Instead of things getting better, they only got worse. Much worse.

On top of all of this, I had met a woman at this company, and we started to date.

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